So I haven't posted much in a while, I thought I would get some things out of the way at the moment before I sulk in too deep.
Every so often, my emotional overdrive kicks in on me. I can't really control it, nor is it an excuse. Which I know I have said numerous times before. I can't do much about it spare go to bed and sleep it off. Though their are times it doesn't always happen that way. Believe me, I wish I could control it when it does kick in, but as it stands, I can't always keep in check. The triggers could be anything doesn't matter what it is. Just one of those things.
As far as where I'm at now, this is the midpoint for me. The anniversary of my best friends passing was back in November. Which is why I took a trip to Tennessee. Come January is the anniversary of my Grandpap's passing. I haven't shed a single tear on either occasion. I'm not latching on to it either. I'm doing what I can to move on with my life, but this year alone has been fairly rough with all the changes. New job, relatives passing, family members acting like vultures, its a chaotic cycle this year. The only thin I have right now is my music and my computer.
But even the Digital world can be well. . . depressing I guess. Their are times I feel neglected, shut out, or just being taken advantage of. I hold no expectations from anyone, nor do I ask for much in return. My impression is wishy washy based on the individual, but how many really know the person behind the screen? It's very few I think. I do have my moments, sure. Everyone does. But, I tend to get those feelings that some individuals, well. . . they act nice, or prefer not to converse with me for whatever reason. It's hard to say.
In reality, it's their loss, not mine. People can write whatever they want on their profiles, but if you really want to know the man behind the characters, it's a question of going through the barriers, understanding the flaws, etc. I have helped out a few people in the past out, openly offered my settings for use, provided some funds for others that lack it. Do I really expect anything in return? Not really. Sure it would be nice to see if others would return the favor, but then I wouldn't feel right about it. Sure, it's my builds, but I don't intend to keep it all to myself.
I will be honest, I have felt empty, I've felt lonely, their are times I'm very frustrated about my situation and wish I could make it disappear, but in reality, it's there for a reason. As far as love goes, the process took a very long time for me to really gather the courage and come back out again. Still those doubts are in my mind; hell, who would want to take a chance with a damaged individual like me? Their's a lot of things that are still needing repaired on my end. I've always been scared out of my mind to say the four letter "L" word to the significant other. In my mind, it's a jinx. You say it and in turn, you get dropped, stabbed, kicked to the curb, what have you. Your mind often questions who you are, and why your rejected. What are you so damn scared of. I've thought about it a lot in the past. My biggest fear is becoming so vulnerable that I'll lose who I really am. Or feel that I was just another puppet in someone else's personal interests. It sucks, yes. and I'll get over it in due time.
Aside from that, I'm actually taking a break from work. A week long Stay cation to rest and recoop before the holidays hit. Just keep in mind, this is just my brain working at 110 miles per hour. Come morning, I'll be fine.
With that said, I'll leave it up to you guys to decide your opinions about me. I know where I stand, and maybe I just need assurance at this point. But, I am who I am. It's like the meme said a friend sent me on face book: "One day, someone is going to hug you so tight, that all of your broken pieces will stick back together." We'll see when that day comes.
Enjoy your holidays folks.