Goodbye, Grandpa. . .

Yup, he's gone.  Finally died at 5:30 this morning in his sleep.  Just like my best friend two months ago.  I'm numb, I'm emotionless, I'm a zombie.  I kept myself together all day after finding out and worked for half the day today.  Had dinner at my grandmothers house since my brother finally came from the service for a while.  It didn't turn out be a not so happy celebration after all. . .

Their are ton of you guys out there who are very fortunate as opposed to me.  Many of you may have two sets of grandparents, or three.  Grandmother and grandfather on each side.  Able to spend time with them and share some laughter and joy.  Hearing the remarkable stories from them, or going out someplace special wherever that may be.  It's always fun and exciting with your grandparents isn't it?

Me?  I'm not so lucky.  I only have one set of grandparents I went to.  He was the only Grandfather I had in my life.  I never had two, or three.  The other person who would have been a grandad to me died before I even existed in a motorcycle crash on my mothers graduation day from High School.  As for my mom's biological mother, pft!  She doesn't give a rats ass and she'll never ever see past her own fucking nose about anything.  She's a childish, selfish, self centered witch.  All I have left is my Gram Gram in my life.  The very woman my grandfather was happily married to for 68 years, which is unheard of.  He was in his 80s when he finally went.  I think he waited until he was able to see everyone before he finally could be at rest.  

The things we did together while I was growing up.  They are things I'll always remember.  He was always so excited to see me whenever I walked in the door even during his later years.  Always asking about me, talking to me about my hobbies, interests, telling me stories about the family tree, and some of the adventurous things he did with my grandmother and my dad.  Granted, he wasn't perfect by any means, but he was one of the very few human beings in this world that stuck by his woman to the very end.  Paul Newman said it best:  "I have steak at home, why go out for hamburger?"  It's extremely rare to see a couple hold together for so long.  Go through all the good and bad, accepting them for who they are, continuing to love them through all the hardships, all the rougher times, support them to the very end.  

As I stated, I'm numb right now.  I'll never forget some of the things he did when we were around him.  Riding to the city to watch an orchestra, when I got scared we were lost, he calmed me down and assured me we were fine he knew where he was going.  Or when I came back from college break, seeing him in the office reading a paper offering me a ride to pick up his car so I have something to drive while I was at home.  (I don't think he liked driving the 91 Camaro much).  Finally, during my roughest time in my life, he was there to help me though it.  I know I'll miss his smile the most.  Or how his eyes lit up whenever I came over.

We all handle loss differently.  Me, this is a automated mechanism that kicks in.  I can't crack.  Not now.  I'm worried about my emotional overdrive taking over and shifting it to the point where I won't be able to get out.  He won't be around to help me out anymore.  It's one of those times where I wish I had someone to curl up with.  But again, it's just me.  Until I do meet someone else to fill in the gaps.

I'm going to tote around for a while.  Thank you guys for being there during these rough few months.  I just hope it doesn't get any worse.  I'll see you later.

-Vee